…updating

 

 

I am quite possibly the worst blogger there is!

           I need to start working on actually posting more often. As I am only talking to myself here the least I could do is actually make an effort to listen! Its March 2018 already the years have been flying by since Bird was born but since Berry came along its gone crazy. (Hes one already!)

          This year has started well so far I’ve been introduced into manifesting and can honestly say that it helped my mindset in the best way possible! I also learned about up-leveling which is treating yourself to the finer things whether that be a better brand of clothing, food or even toilet paper! Eventually I’ve started to feel better, act better and be better and it shows. Now I’m no expert in this and still have  LOADS more to learn before but I try to do this whenever I can and would encourage others to do the same – Not if you have bills to pay and want a new car or have £10 to last you for the month but wherever possible, try it and don’t feel for having done so. As a parent treating myself always makes me feel guilty but its important that we look after ourselves so we can look after others.

        Our wedding plans are coming along nicely! I now have my bridesmaids dresses sorted, the current focus is centerpieces – what I want doesn’t seem to be a thing. So a bit of D.I.Y will have to happen to achieve the look I want and as this is probably the only thing I’ve really fussed over I don’t feel so bad. I FINALLY got my passport sorted so now I can actually go on my hen do!! I can’t wait!! There isn’t much more to do thankfully just the little bits and before I know it! It will be the wedding and ill be a wife!! *Shocked face* I’m going to be a grown up! (not really, if buying a house and having 2 kids hasn’t made me grow up, I doubt a wedding will!)

See i am a terrible blogger! The wedding has been and gone so I will do a full post on everything!

 

 

 

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I did it!

On September 30th I set myself a challenge to drive to Portishead (a coastal town not too far away) by myself!

And yesterday… I did it!!

I’ve been fairly recently but I’ve never done the drive on my own so I decided to do it and not tell my husband (just in case I chickened out). The drive went very smoothly there was one point I was driving next to a HGV whilst in the narrow lanes which made me slightly nervous but for the most part it was fine.

As soon as I pulled up I phoned my husband to a let him know where I was and b to tell him how proud of myself I was! He was pretty proud of me and told me to treat myself to one of my favourites – a Costa hot chocolate 💜

Now I’m fully aware of how small my achievement sounds but if you’ve never felt the completely overwhelming feeling of anxiety then lucky you! I didn’t do this sort of thing with my eldest often and it makes me sad when I think about it so now I’m trying to make up for it. He was at school when I went but I think he’ll love it when I take him.

For the rest of the month I’ll be challenging myself to do things that have caused me great anxiety when I have only thought about doing it. If I chicken out it’s okay because at least I tried my best.

My pictures won’t load 😤 but I wanted to post this so will update once I work it out.

Just 

Just sit there and be.

Just be.

Be yourself.

Be you.

Just. Be.

Just. Be. You.

Writing it, saying it and doing it are very different.

I have no idea as to why people have to work hard to be themselves but being someone else comes so easily!! It’s just another of those things in life that confuse me.

Now more than ever I am realising that I’ve never really had to the chance to think for myself and know what Iwant. I like so many things – baking, photography and sorting. Ok so the last one sounds weird but nobody can deny that having a wonderfully organised room/house makes you feel happier and calmer. Anyway I really want to be able to focus and get really stuck into something but as I’ve never done it before it feels daunting.

I want to do this. I think I NEED to do this.

I need to find out what it is I like, I want and I enjoy.

So this is me holding myself accountable. I will be throwing myself into having a focus by documenting my days. I will share at least once a week at first with the hopes of building up to once every two days or whenever I do something special.

Wish me luck! I’m gonna need it!IMG_8077.JPG

Hesitation…

It’s taken so long for me to even start writing this… I just struggle. With everything. It’s seems as though it takes me so much longer than everyone around me to get the hang of things or actually do things I need/want to.

I know I’ll get there eventually and it isn’t a race but I would just like for once to be able to complete something I have my heart set on without my head making it an unnecessarily stressful situation. A prime example of this is going shopping – I’m going to a friend’s wedding I have NO idea what to wear but the thought of going shopping makes me sweat, so many thoughts race through my mind, so many ideas about what people will think as I’ll probably buy the ‘wrong’ dress and so much guilt for spending any money on myself when it could be used for the boys, the wedding or just on anything that isn’t me!

UPDATE – I’m aware I hadn’t already posted this but the wedding has now been and gone and with all the stressing I wore a dress I already had -_- the frustration is always very real. I had a great time and obviously there was no time spent worrying if my dress was good enough! The day was all about the bride as it should be and having her to focus on definitely helped!

I feel like when we hesitate it’s normally because of something that’s been ingrained in us from childhood or maybe even later. For me, now I’ve actually spent time thinking about and addressing this I know for a fact it has been put upon me that wanting is selfish and greedy so you shouldnt want, I was never taken shopping unless it was for school supplies and even then I wasnt allowed to choose what I wanted. When we were dragged along to do the food shop there was never anything exciting bought that we would enjoy, only cereal I didn’t like but had to eat and bulk purchases of the ‘necessities’.

This then trickles down to not having confidence in your own choices or actions it can be the simplest thing – whether or not to buy the shoes your heart tells you, you love (it genuinely about took me 2 months to buy my beautiful purple trainers) when the only thing stopping me was confidence. Now I have them I still absolutely love them and I’m still so glad I bought them and on the flip side the bigger things such as the idea of writing my feelings and experiences in a public place also triggers the ‘warning system’ when in reality whenever I’ve shared my truth (mainly snippets) I’ve been met with others that are in the same position, have been there or simply emphasise. Its does then make you realise that you are not alone and there really is someone out that does care even though it may not feel like it. Pressing send at the end of every post always feels like climbing to the summit of a mountain so much goes into pressing that publish, post or share button, I get so stuck inside my head that more often than not I wont share that moment, thought or feeling and while the world doesn’t need to see everything I’ve gotten to a place where I share next to nothing.

While I’m feeling motivated and confident im going to post before my head gets the best of me and convinces me this should be a draft for almost another year.

Also I tried to add pictures but it wouldn’t let me but it still wont deter me!

Aside

4 months…


I can’t believe I have 4 months of this pregnancy left. 4 months. It’s gone so fast. Too fast. I’m definitely not ready. 

I don’t think it’ll sink that I’m a mother of two until I get home from hospital and the chaos begins. Two children. 2 children. I’m going to have 2 children that are mine. 

This might sound like I’m not excited believe me I am. It’s still a lot to handle. Like a A LOT but I’ve got the best partner for the journey so I know I’ll be ok – As if he needed to prove himself.  I have so far spent the weekend in bed and he has delivered each of my meals plus drinks, all while entertaining our bus-obsessed 2 year old – what an angel. 

I’ll be honest this isn’t the first time and I guarantee it won’t be the last.  As being a parent and being pregnant again is both scary and exciting but I’m looking forward to it even though I’m not ready. 


Update: I wrote this but never posted it. I should have, so here it is. My life has been kicked up several notches yet I wouldn’t change it.