Sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings is one of those things that don’t come very easily to me. I unfortunately wasn’t raised in a household or culture where ‘heart to hearts’ are commonplace and the older I get the more I realise that I’ve missed out on having a close relationship with my mother and also most of my other family members.
I know so little about my mums life from before I was born and now. When friends tell stories about their mums I immediately get a pang of yearning to know more about my mother. I’ve tried numerous times only to come up against a colossal wall of silence. It just hurts too much to keep trying I guess I’m just not supposed to the person that brought me into this world all that well.
In the last 5 years I’ve come a long way. I can now say when I’m upset or if I don’t like something these sound like minor things but to me they’re breakthroughs. I’m still a very much a closed book and it frustrates me as I don’t know how to share. I don’t know how to tell anyone what I’m scared of or why I’m crying. I don’t want to be emotionless.
I want to be a comforter. I want to share myself with those around me. I want to be able to tell people when I’m upset. I want to be apart of of a group conversation and not just sit on the sidelines praying that the topic gets changed.
I told myself that when I have children I’d be affectionate and open with them and so far I’ve managed it. I do sometimes need space (who doesn’t) I just hope I don’t have some sort of freak out as that would break my heart.
If anyone has any experience with learning how to open up please share! I need tips!