It’s taken so long for me to even start writing this… I just struggle. With everything. It’s seems as though it takes me so much longer than everyone around me to get the hang of things or actually do things I need/want to.
I know I’ll get there eventually and it isn’t a race but I would just like for once to be able to complete something I have my heart set on without my head making it an unnecessarily stressful situation. A prime example of this is going shopping – I’m going to a friend’s wedding I have NO idea what to wear but the thought of going shopping makes me sweat, so many thoughts race through my mind, so many ideas about what people will think as I’ll probably buy the ‘wrong’ dress and so much guilt for spending any money on myself when it could be used for the boys, the wedding or just on anything that isn’t me!
UPDATE – I’m aware I hadn’t already posted this but the wedding has now been and gone and with all the stressing I wore a dress I already had -_- the frustration is always very real. I had a great time and obviously there was no time spent worrying if my dress was good enough! The day was all about the bride as it should be and having her to focus on definitely helped!
I feel like when we hesitate it’s normally because of something that’s been ingrained in us from childhood or maybe even later. For me, now I’ve actually spent time thinking about and addressing this I know for a fact it has been put upon me that wanting is selfish and greedy so you shouldnt want, I was never taken shopping unless it was for school supplies and even then I wasnt allowed to choose what I wanted. When we were dragged along to do the food shop there was never anything exciting bought that we would enjoy, only cereal I didn’t like but had to eat and bulk purchases of the ‘necessities’.
This then trickles down to not having confidence in your own choices or actions it can be the simplest thing – whether or not to buy the shoes your heart tells you, you love (it genuinely about took me 2 months to buy my beautiful purple trainers) when the only thing stopping me was confidence. Now I have them I still absolutely love them and I’m still so glad I bought them and on the flip side the bigger things such as the idea of writing my feelings and experiences in a public place also triggers the ‘warning system’ when in reality whenever I’ve shared my truth (mainly snippets) I’ve been met with others that are in the same position, have been there or simply emphasise. Its does then make you realise that you are not alone and there really is someone out that does care even though it may not feel like it. Pressing send at the end of every post always feels like climbing to the summit of a mountain so much goes into pressing that publish, post or share button, I get so stuck inside my head that more often than not I wont share that moment, thought or feeling and while the world doesn’t need to see everything I’ve gotten to a place where I share next to nothing.
While I’m feeling motivated and confident im going to post before my head gets the best of me and convinces me this should be a draft for almost another year.
Also I tried to add pictures but it wouldn’t let me but it still wont deter me!