Aside

4 months…


I can’t believe I have 4 months of this pregnancy left. 4 months. It’s gone so fast. Too fast. I’m definitely not ready. 

I don’t think it’ll sink that I’m a mother of two until I get home from hospital and the chaos begins. Two children. 2 children. I’m going to have 2 children that are mine. 

This might sound like I’m not excited believe me I am. It’s still a lot to handle. Like a A LOT but I’ve got the best partner for the journey so I know I’ll be ok – As if he needed to prove himself.  I have so far spent the weekend in bed and he has delivered each of my meals plus drinks, all while entertaining our bus-obsessed 2 year old – what an angel. 

I’ll be honest this isn’t the first time and I guarantee it won’t be the last.  As being a parent and being pregnant again is both scary and exciting but I’m looking forward to it even though I’m not ready. 


Update: I wrote this but never posted it. I should have, so here it is. My life has been kicked up several notches yet I wouldn’t change it. 

Advertisements

Express yourself! 

Even though this is supposed to be a safe place. A place where I can say what I feel and not have to worry about judgement (too much) I’ve just found a bunch of draft posts about things that have meant so much to me at one time and they’ve not been posted because I was too scared. 

Too scared. 

It’s odd how much expressing your thoughts can induce such a feeling. 

Some of the posts aren’t relevant so I won’t post those but the ones that’s still apply to life as I now know it will be up soon. 

Reading my old drafts was a lovely trip down memory lane even going as far back to when I was pregnant with my son and wondering what to expect. That was 2 and half years ago!!! Where has the time gone?! It’s been a whirlwind ride but I wouldn’t it change it, I’m so lucky and I’m grateful for the life I have.

Hope you have great day!!! ✌🏾️

Instagram

2 years?! 

I can’t believe I missed my 2 year blogging anniversary!!! 

It’s such a shame! It’s also been an age since I’ve posted because  

Staring out the window watching it all fly by

 as always life gets in the way! These past couple of years have been some of the most important of my life. I am now a mother and now engaged and looking forward to the next chapter in our lives. 

I write feeling like a vacant space but thinking about the last 2 years is minutely closing that space making me feel ever so slightly more whole than before!! I can’t remember the last time posted (although I could just check) it’s a start reminder for me that getting it all out and rereading does make for an interesting conversation. 

Sharing 

  
Sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings is one of those things that don’t come very easily to me. I unfortunately wasn’t raised in a household or culture where ‘heart to hearts’ are commonplace and the older I get the more I realise that I’ve missed out on having a close relationship with my mother and also most of my other family members. 

I know so little about my mums life from before I was born and now. When friends tell stories about their mums I immediately get a pang of yearning to know more about my mother. I’ve tried numerous times only to come up against a colossal wall of silence. It just hurts too much to keep trying I guess I’m just not supposed to the person that brought me into this world all that well. 
In the last 5 years I’ve come a long way. I can now say when I’m upset or if I don’t like something these sound like minor things but to me they’re breakthroughs. I’m still a very much a closed book and it frustrates me as I don’t know how to share. I don’t know how to tell anyone what I’m scared of or why I’m crying. I don’t want to be emotionless. 

I want to be a comforter. I want to share myself with those around me. I want to be able to tell people when I’m upset. I want to be apart of of a group conversation and not just sit on the sidelines praying that the topic gets changed. 

I told myself that when I have children I’d be affectionate and open with them and so far I’ve managed it. I do sometimes need space (who doesn’t) I just hope I don’t have some sort of freak out as that would break my heart. 

If anyone has any experience with learning how to open up please share! I need tips! 

Give me just a little more time!

Everything takes time. Some things take minutes or hours, some things takes days or weeks and some can even take years. Since becoming a mother I’ve wished for more time almost everyday; I want more time in bed to at least rest if Bubble wont let me sleep, I need more time to do the housework so I can relax more in the evenings, I’d like more time to make myself look presentable in the mornings and oh the list goes on but I don’t have much time left… I’m sure Bubble is going to get bored of playing at any moment.

I would write while he’s asleep but I missed nap-time and I need to write or my head might explode! 

Being organised isn’t a trait I’m naturally blessed with so getting organised takes a lot of effort and time. I’ve tried almost everything to get myself into a super organised routine but it just doesn’t stick. The only coping technique is just to get on with it and do the best you can with the time you have! It takes time and the ability to force yourself if you don’t have motivation but you can get it done! 

Let’s do this! 

Take that step 

Sometimes, you just need to believe in yourself. 

You can. 

– Yes, you can make that meal and it’s going to be amazing! 

– You can overcome your anxiety and you will be able to drive a car. 

– You can be the best parent/partner/friend

and you can do all of these things well. All of these things made in fact still make me nervous but believe I can do them has helped me so much. I definitely feel more confident within myself which in turn has led me to take better steps with my diet. I’m not eating better and feeling great for it. 

– You can try sewing and make yourself a bag. 

It didn’t turn out amazing but who cares I still did it and I’ll be working on it until its fabulous!! My boyfriend is so supportive I know for sure without him I would have most of the things that fill me with dread. He keeps me grounded.  

– You can go to the mum and baby groups

This was a very tricky one for me and it still is. The walk there was dreadful that sicky feeling in my stomach, the aches, lightheaded – is it really worth all of this?! No, no it’s not 90% of the mums already had their own cliques and the others just weren’t interested. Those that were were flash in the pan. So I decided to go another way about it. I go to the park more often as it seems less and then it’s just a chance encounter. Less forced. I can honestly say it’s easier to meet and talk to other mums at the park or even on your doorstep! 

Don’t get me wrong I’m sure there are lots of friendly mums that go to these groups! I guess I just wasn’t lucky enough to meet you. 

I know I’m lucky whereby I battle with my anxiety and come out on top most days, it’s not the same for everyone but I hope that something somewhere no matter how big or small will help those who don’t find a little thing that pushes them towards the sun.